In our first twelve NBA report cards, we have focused solely on academic grades. In K-12 schooling there is another side of the report card, the citizenship portion. As we divert from academic grading this week, we will break down the 2009 NBA All-Star Weekend with citizenship grades. As hard as it is to swallow an “F,” sometimes a “Needs Improvement,” or “Unsatisfactory” can be just as difficult to accept. Without further ado, JIB Sports will now hand out our first citizenship report card:

- Excellent – Sprite Slam Dunk Contest – In recent years the Slam Dunk Contest has shifted from an emphasis on the dunk itself. As players have started using more props, the contest has evolved into the entertainment spectacle of the weekend. Last year we saw Dwight Howard, last year’s champion, don a Superman cape and fly through the air (not literally), as well as Gerald Green blow out a cupcake with a lit candle sitting on the back iron of the rim. Last year’s competition revived the event, which was grasping on straws in recent years and had lost it’s luster. Howard once again turned into Superman, but this time he actually brought a phone booth to change in. After changing he dunked on a special hoop that was actually twelve feet tall. Howard followed it up with a poor man’s rendition of Jordan’s dunk when he jumped from the free throw line. Howard started from the other side of the court but lifted off at least a foot inside of the free throw line. Howard’s poor dunk left the door open for little man Nate Robinson, who was the champion two years ago. After making it into the finals, Robinson left the court to make a wardrobe change. He came back dressed in all green, we initially thought he was the Lucky Charms leprechaun. It was then explained that he was “Kryptonate” and won the contest by jumping over Superman Dwight Howard for an amazing dunk. Can’t wait for next year to find out what Kryptonate’s Kyrptonite is…

- Satisfactory – The All-Star Game – As is the same with every year, there are so many festivities before the actual game because the game really isn’t all that great. The poor defense and ball hogging gets a little nauseating after the first quarter, it’s not really basketball. Kobe Bryant took ten shots in the first quarter alone! The best part of this year’s game was Shaquille O’Neal dancing with Jabberwockees as he was introduced, the Canadian national anthem being sung in French was a very close second. It was refreshing to see Kobe and Shaw win the co-MVP, if they can mend a broken relationship then there is hope for all of us. The All-Star game means a lot in MLB because it decides which conference gets home field advantage in the World Series, but the NBA’s game means literally nothing. Although it was much more competitive in the early 90’s, now it is a stage to show off and entertain. On a side note, anybody else see that there was a crop fire on Allen Iverson’s head? We don’t know the specifics, but his cornrows are gone for the first time in at least ten years. Too bad his nasty tats are still there.

- Needs Improvement – GEICO H.O.R.S.E. Competition – In it’s All-Star Weekend premiere, the H.O.R.S.E. Competition showed some promise, but would benefit greatly from our advice. For those of you unfamiliar with the rules of H.O.R.S.E., we are sorry, save yourself the embarrassment of asking someone the rules and just Google it. While it was extremely comical to see Kevin Durant hoist a Barbie horse as his trophy for winning, the actual competition was too slow moving and a little disappointing. Joe Johnson and O.J. Mayo joined Durant in missing a lot of shots that left a lot of people thinking, “You missed that shot? You are getting paid millions and can’t even make a left-handed layup??” It didn’t help that TNT had commercial breaks throughout the competition, it was perhaps the longest game of H.O.R.S.E. ever. If they keep this event next year, they need to speed it up and invite some retired players to play with current players. Building on the Barbie horse trophy, they need to find one of those mechanical stuffed animal horses large enough that the winner could mount and have them ride into the sunset.

- Unsatisfactory - Haier Shooting Stars Competition – Since it’s first appearance in an All-Star Weekend a few years ago, the Shooting Stars competition has got to be the most boring and uninteresting event ever. The contest is only for NBA franchises that have a WNBA franchise in the same city. Four teams are assembled with a NBA player, a WNBA player, and a former player from that NBA team. The three players combine forces in an “Around the World” fashion, with each of them having to make shots from certain points on the floor. They work from close to the rim at the beginning to a half-court shot to win. The winner is the team that completes all the shots in the shortest amount of time. Although a good idea, why were we subjected to watching WNBA players participate in a NBA event? I’d opt for a form of Chinese body torture than watch Lisa Leslie and the girls miss shots that Gary Coleman could make left-handed while hopping on his right foot. We would however like to congratulate Leslie for successful using a whole tube of lip gloss on her lips, it was both impressive and blinding.

Tags: NBA

This entry was posted on Monday, February 16th, 2009 at 12:01 am and is filed under NBA. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.